Pray I Said Every Word I Meant

Let me begin by saying...holy SMASH where has this summer gone???

I go back to school the day after tomorrow, which means my room is half-packed and basically a wreck. Last night Dan and I faced the task, head on. Which means...he played guitar and sat on my bed while I, in a surreal and overwhelmed state, looked around my room for where in the world I could start. And, just like it does every year, the realization hit me...that packing for school is always a bigger task than I think it will be. Ah vell...what must be done must be done and I will carry on (my wayward son) as soon as the day is ripe.

Speaking of ripe...there were some bananas that were way too ripe in the kitchen yesterday. So naturally, I made chocolate chip banana bread. Dan is weird and doesn't like bananas, so I also made peanut butter bread, just like Paula Deen taught me. It's so shtinkin' good. Basically I've been able to cook a lot this week and that's made me happy. Lasagna, cheesecake, BBQ pizza, pasta salad...deeeeelicious. Speaking of food, yesterday I had my first Chick-Fil-A milkshake. And folks...if a food heaven exists, I'm sure that a strawberry milkshake is God.

We might be going to see The Da Vinci Code tonight. I'll be looking forward to it if we do. I've been wanting to see it for a while - partly out of curiosity and partly because I just feel like it would be a movie that's just good to see so that I can have intelligent conversations about it. I think I'm kind of weirded out though...Tom Hanks looks way too much like Bono in that movie. The last time I went to a movie theater was in November for Harry Potter. What can I say? I have no life. Seriously.

Me and Dan went to see Jeff Tweedy play solo in Raleigh on Wednesday night. Um, basically...A-mazing. He sang a few new band songs, but obviously, the band wasn't with him. I like them all a lot, a lot. If I could have anyone's personality, I would want Jeff Tweedy's. He's so confident, yet unsure of himself at the same time. It seems like an enigma beyond words, but it completely works for him and I love it. Here's me and Dan, pre-concert.

I hate when people (a.k.a. Oprah) talk about eating disorders like they really understand. I'm sorry, but there's no way you can 100% understand the mindset and thought processes of someone with an eating disorder unless you've gone through it yourself. I guess specifically anorexia. It's a selfish disease about control and anyone who argues that fact is ignorant. Even with all the heart and all the talents and all the intellectual resources of every great author or poet who has ever lived...I would still do nothing but exhaust myself in an effort to try to explain. It just simply can't be done. Because of that, it's a disease that isolates and alienates, it eventually becomes a drug. It's sad and pathetic, but...people only do it to themselves. I'm allowed to be harsh because I know it's true of myself. I'm not being mean, I'm being honest. Nobody gets into an eating disorder without being incredibly selfish. I regret it and struggle with the sin every day, but it's the price I chose to pay when this all started.

p.s. - So why don't you shut your mouth, Oprah, and stop pretending like your much-needed previous weight loss is anything compared to the struggles of a 5'6" mother of two who weighs 80 pounds.

I'm sorry. I've made myself all angry and agitated. My Oprah rant for the week is now over - I'm sorry that you were my chosen audience. But seriously...just because you're rich doesn't mean you know everything.

Yesterday I had a busy, busy day. I got up at 5:30 and was up and moving until I took lay down time/nap at 7pm. I went grocery shopping with my mom and that took most of the afternoon and early evening. I bought stuff for school. (I'm stoked because I bought cleaning supplies this year!) I'm getting a wee bit of a cold or something (from Nate, I think) and that didn't help with the whole "having energy" situation. I need a nap.

This morning I went to the doctor and this afternoon I have to get an x-ray of my right foot so they can know what's up with my toe. It's either a "severe bone bruise" or a stress fracture. I don't think it really matters what's wrong with it - I don't think there's anything they do either way except tell me to put my foot on ice when I get done running so it doesn't hurt. If it is in fact a fracture, I think that I've let it go so long that it's "healed itself." But the doctor basically said if that's the case, it's done a pretty crappy job of doing it right. Time will tell.

Two weeks and counting until I head back to the hill. I'm looking forward to the drive. I want to start early morning to have the brisk morning air experience. Plus I beat Charlotte traffic that way. Holla. I want to be back, I want to unpack, I want to get settled, I wish like none other that I had Christmas lights to hang up. I might resort to taking my own from home. By the time I spend any significant time here again, it will be Thanksgiving and I'll be able to buy more. Ah, Thanksgiving...it teases me in anticipation. I heart it.

Mmmmmback to work for me's.

p.s. - Dan gets here in three days. 27 days is far too long. We're both kind of sick.

I want him here, this time for good. He’s not in another world, just in Michigan. He’s up there with hazelnut coffee in his coat pocket and smiling for me, to make me laugh. He’s there and we held hands, he’s there and I want him to know me and have my heart - I want him to keep it forever. He’s there, but I have his arm around my waist every day, he makes my life complete, He’s there, he means something. He’s there and I love him, so I’m giving him my heart.

It’s just beginning, this is just the start, the start to something good. Already almost seven months…it brings back the days of missing and laughing and sometimes crying, things that have passed with every new day. I thank God for strength, for love, for hope of something more. He’s there and I love him, so I’m giving him my heart. Now I can be thankful, thankful that he exists, that he’s not just in my mind like he has been for so long. I can be strong with him.

Thank you for being, beautiful boy with the coffee in your pocket. You do make me laugh. Here is my heart.

I wasn't doing too well, but now I'm slightly better.

My new routine is to get up at 5:30 and go running every morning. It's been a good change for me, worth the pain of rolling out of bed while it's still dark. A refreshing and energizing way to start the day. It keeps my eating within reason throughout the day because I know I won't be able to "run it off" in the evening.

I'm housesitting later this week. Hopefully it will help break up the time between now and the 10th of August when Dan comes. I can't believe that he'll be here for a week or so, then it's back to school. I think I've decided to go it alone rather than have my parents come with me - too much chaos.

I've been really paranoid about my money lately. It's getting the point where, if I don't have more than I need I feel uptight about it. I need to remember that I've never been left wanting, I always have what I need. When I start to feel like that I always make myself spend money, but not on myself. I bought my recently un-pregnant sister some $20 pajamas that she wanted but couldn't afford. Dan is getting a treat too...but it's a surprise and I can't say what it is. I don't want to get greedy.

The other day I realized that, as lame as it is, I keep online journals instead of written ones, simply for the convenience. It's kind of a side thought that others read it. It's nice to stay in touch, but I realized that I really do write this like I would write in my paper journal. It's fun for me to look back at old entries, just like I would read an old diary.

I'm going to the doctor on August 7th for my toe. I hope they don't weigh me, that's why I avoid the doctor's office. If they do I'm going to try to look away. I know I can't really handle that right now. "Some say there's a medicine, but my head just will not let me go..."

I miss my girls more and more every day. I want to be with them and laugh with them again. Last night I was talking my feelings out with Dan (he's a good boy...he listens to me when I ramble) and realized that I'm officially ready to get back to school and tackle this year like a beast. Bring it.

My wisdom teeth are out. Woo!

I've never felt so good after taking valium and being hooked up to laughing gas. I seriously didn't care about a thing in the world. I've never been more relaxed in my life. I have no recollection what-so-ever of waking up in the dentist's office or the nurse walking me to my dad's car. The drive home is a blur, and I swear I didn't even know that my sister's best friend was at my house when I got home.

I threw up three times from the pain medication. That's when I decided that I could bite the bullet and take the mild discomfort to be able to stop throwing up. Yes. It was gross. I haven't swelled that much...but they say it's worst on the third day.

I'm eating lots of pudding. Mmmmmm.

My dad took better care of me yesterday than I've ever seen him take care of anyone. He came to check on me every few hours and change my nasty gauze for me. And...just so that I wouldn't have to hold ice packs to my face, he tied them around my head with a belt. It was hilarious. Yet...I didn't have the wits about me to fight him.

I have to get my wisdom teeth out tomorrow and I'm really afraid of the aftertaste of the whole experience. I hate not being completely aware of what's going on around me, and I know that valium isn't going to help that in the least. Amanda will be here to help me muddle through and to change videos and DVD's for me when they're over. I plan on making myself massive amounts of pudding this afternoon so it's at the ready.

I can't decide if I'm excited to be at school. I know I want to be with my friends, but I think that academia of last semester scared the crapolla out of me and it's slightly intimidating. I know that good times are ahead though. I mean...it's our senior year...how can good times NOT be ahead?

If anybody thinks about it and/or wants to, you can pray for Dan. He's starting to look for a job and is a little uptight about it. As of now, he doesn't have a safety net for after this school term and he's just wanting to have feet to stand on when he gets out. Any prayers would be muchly appreciated.

Not a lot of people read this...a choice few have the link or are on my friends list. So just know that if you're one of the few, I love you and I miss you.

Leaving is exhausting in every sense of the word.

He's not the only thing that's important to me. He's a big responsibility and my first priority, as he will be a for a long, long, long time to come.

I wish I could go to Renee's wedding, I miss my school friends. I can't because...

a) I get four wisdom teeth pulled the day before the wedding day
2) My sister that I haven't seen in six months is coming in two days before the wedding day
c) I will have a new niece in less than a week

My life is changing.

I'm on day eight here in the Great Lakes state. I really didn't mean to rhyme that obnoxiously much.

When you're living in a house with five guys and a broken dishwasher, the words "What the hell are we going to do when you leave?" become encouraging and heart-felt. I just spent a solid 45 minutes washing dishes and cleaning up from supper while everyone is at a night class. The dish towels are so old that they don't even dry anymore. It's kind of sick.

I've had a good week. Lots of sleeping in and laying around. TONS of Food Network...two full videotapes have been made for my viewing pleasure when I get my wisdom teeth taken out. Mhm. Dan loves me. Yesterday me and Dan took a mini road trip to Cleveland. We went to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, stopped by Jacobs Field and ate supper at Cheesecake Factory. It was a true and genuine blast.

The Hall of Fame rocked my world. (No pun intended.) It was surreal. I saw Tom Petty's stage guitar and some of his wardrobe. We saw John Lennon's guitar and glasses and the original writing of Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds. Oh...and some of David Bowie's outfits...that was frightning. Gosh. There was so much stuff there. I wish I could remember everything. I learned about Gibson Les Paul guitars and how to identify them. (Thank you, Dan.) The Bob Dylan exhibit was freaking awesome. I saw Woody Guthrie's guitar and it had his name roughly carved into the back of it. I think I almost cried. And they had Bob Dylan's guitar that he took with him to New York...and his harmonica. It was crazy.
We stopped by Jacobs Field and Dan sucked up his Cleveland hatred and let me stand in awe of the magic that a favorite ballpark brings. I took pictures through the bars and was pretty much giddy. I felt like a small kid who plays little league at his first professional game. It rocked my socks off.

Anyway...I know most people who read this journal don't really care about all this, but I couldn't get these pictures to show on xanga, so I put a link to this journal on my xanga....so....yeah.

Dan was too cool to show that he was excited to be at the Hall of Fame...


I, on the other hand, was obnoxiously stoked...


This is me at Jacobs Field, rubbing it in Dan's face that we got to go here instead of Tiger Stadium. Muwahahaha...


And this...just makes me laugh because I look so utterly confused about something...


This is Dan while we were still in Grand Rapids. We like CD's. Lots of them. Lots and lots of them. I like this boy a lot.


Anyway...'tis all for now. I got home in two days. I'm not really looking forward to it, but me and Dan are getting slrupees and watching Tommy Boy tonight, so hopefully that'll lighten my spirit.

More later, gators.

I'm leaving in three hours for the airport. I'm a little excited. That's why I'm awake. Well...that and the fact that I smashed my knuckle last night and it hurts like words I shouldn't even be thinking of. I was carrying my suitcase into the garage to weigh it and the knuckle on my right index finger found itself lodged between the doorframe and my suitcase. I can't remember the last time I've felt pain so severe. You don't realize how often you use that joint until it's slightly out of service.

In other news, I'm going to be in Mee-chigan for the next ten days. Which means no cell phones, letters and text messages. Praise God. Don't get me wrong...modern conveniences make long-distance relationships much easier, but it's still a far cry from being easy. Easier does NOT mean easy. The agend lists activities including but not limited to:
- celebrating Mr. Schu's birthday (at a Japanse Steakhouse I think? Rumor has it they have "regular food" too)
- moving to Flint
- Outback and a bloomin' onion. WOO!
- Cleveland for the R&R Hall of Fame and Cheesecake Factory
- slurpees GALORE. Yesssss.
- ten days of not running. Hallelujah.

It's strange to think that when I get back it's only a matter of days until sweet 'lil Mercy will be welcomed to the world. I'm 'cited. Speaking of wee ones...the angel crawls on top of me like this and just lays there. If that doesn't melt somebody's heart...then your heart is basically un-meltable.


I need to take some pain medicine or some-sing for my knuckle and go back to bed. I'm up at 5:45, on the road at 7. For some reason I have the urge to start singing Jackson Browne's Running On Empty. What can I say? It's a good travel song.